“I was facing a life of denying myself — and I thought it was probably better to be dead.”
As a young boy in New Zealand, Andrew, now 32 and living in London, understood very early what it meant to be an outcast. He was born and raised as a member of the Exclusive Brethren — an Evangelical Protestant Religious church whose followers adhere to a rigid set of rules based very strictly on Bible scripture.
In a small town 30 minutes outside of Auckland, Andrew’s parents lived hand to mouth in their little farmhouse raising 12 children — of which Andrew was the 11th. But in their church, status was defined by wealth, which positioned his family firmly within the fringes of their community.
“We were extraordinarily poor”, he says. “We lived in a three-bedroom house, and at one point in time there were ten children at home. So, you do the maths”.
But years of living as an outcast within his fellowship would end up serving as preparation for Andrew, as eventually, the day would come that he would be cast out from his own family too. He would discover that in the eyes of his church you could be much worse than poor — you could be gay.
Andrew’s struggle with his identity and how it conflicted with his religion would culminate in depression, followed by a suicide attempt, and ultimately Andrew’s departure from the Exclusive Brethren. “I honestly just don’t talk about it”, he says. “But the more time that goes on, the less I get upset about it, which is wonderful. Time is slowly healing everything. Anyway, what’s your next question, darling?”
Queer & Loathing
Established back in the 1820s in Dublin, the Exclusive Brethren follows a very strict “separation from iniquity” doctrine. This means that things deemed as too “worldly” are forbidden, including watching television; listening to the radio, going to university (as this exposes young Brethren to morally unhelpful influences), going to places of entertainment, and even owning pets.
But for Andrew and his brothers, rules were there to be broken. “I can remember a cat running through one of the holy communions we were having at the house”, he says. “People just pretended it didn’t happen and frowned and tutted. Of course, this was the sort of thing that my brothers, and I loved because it was just irreverent and hilarious.”
Despite their misgivings, Andrew insists that his childhood wasn’t all bad. He describes how he and his younger brother David were very close and would cause havoc to entertain themselves, “We even set trees on fire in our backyard just to get the fire engine around, that’s how bored we were” he laughs.
He and his older brother James had a different relationship, though. Andrew describes him as the black sheep of the family as he was always breaking the rules and getting into trouble with the church. “I knew he was gay; he wasn’t bringing boys home or parading it in your face or anything, but one of my friends had told me”, he admits.
Andrew says he began questioning his own sexuality around the age of 12 and had been battling with it alone. But after discovering that his brother was gay, rather than confiding in him, Andrew doubled down on denying what he felt. He feared that letting his brother know about their shared secret would make it impossible for him to hide it, from himself and the church. “I really wanted to do everything in my power not to be a homosexual, I even had a girlfriend, and I thought that confiding in him would not help that”, he says.
But one day in 2011, after years of living a lie and facing a future of constantly fighting with himself, weakened by the oppressive regime of the church, Andrew saw only one solution. “The penny really dropped that I could no longer be a part of this place when I attempted to take my own life”, he says bluntly.
He says he had been brainwashed for 22 years to believe that partaking in a homosexual lifestyle would mean going to hell, but leaving the church would have the same fate. “I was facing a life of denying myself, as a homosexual. A life, within the church, of not being able to love someone, not being able to be sexually satisfied, and I thought it was probably better to be dead” he adds.
Shortly after, Andrew’s mother sent him to a doctor to deal with his depression, “His name was Dr Ashmore, he was an Indian guy, and he wore socks with sandals”, he says. The doctor told Andrew there was nothing he could do. “‘Every single person around you in that church is your problem’, he told me, and if you could remove yourself from that situation, I guarantee you that your life might get better”, he recalls.
Months later, on the doctor’s advice Andrew left the Exclusive Brethren, his small-town farmhouse, and his family to begin a new life in Auckland City. “It was a Sunday afternoon”, he describes an encounter he had a short time after moving away, “I was walking through the park with a gay non-brethren friend and another ex-brethren girl”. As Andrew and his friends turned a corner, he saw a group of brethren girls. “I suddenly had the urge to dive into a bush to hide from them”, he says.
“I would have gotten into huge amounts of trouble being seen with ex-brethren. Its absolute sacrilege”, he says. “Then I suddenly realised I didn’t have to dive into the bush. I could walk proudly along with these people and not have to worry. That single moment changed my life, I never had to worry anymore”.
That bush, Andrew says, represented not only going back into the closet, but going back to a life of foregoing his identity. He wants people in a similar position to know that there is hope. “You can fall in love with another man or another woman. You can be whatever you want to be, but you cannot be in that church. Do not live someone else’s life, live your own life”.
Let There Be Light
A few months after Andrew left, his brother James was also excommunicated from the church. James had fallen in love with another brethren boy, and the two of them ran away together. Andrew says he and James have a much better relationship now, despite living on opposite sides of the globe. “He’s a very different person to me, but he’d do anything for me”, he says.
The man that James had run away with eventually left him and returned to the church — and coincidentally ended up marrying Andrew’s ex-girlfriend, whom Andrew had come out to upon ending their relationship. “I told her because I truly cared for her. I told her to find a straight boy that can give her a proper life, and she never spoke to me again. Then she ended up marrying a homosexual anyway, which I find absolutely hilarious” he says.
Andrew has accomplished a lot since leaving the Exclusive Brethren and boasts of his achievements. “They told me that I was going to end up in the gutter”, he says. “Well, I got on a plane. I flew 18,000 kilometres across the world. I studied, got a degree, and now I’m a Deputy Charge Nurse. This is a pretty fine gutter that I’m in”, he says.
He also teaches at a university, has written lectures, and has been published in a scientific journal. But the thing that he is most proud of is his relationship. Andrew met his partner at the gym in 2015, and they celebrate their 6th anniversary this week. “There’s no other way I can say it. He is everything”, he says.
“If my 22-year-old self knew the happiness that I would find; the peace that my relationship has brought me, never looking over my shoulder, having to worry about what people think of you all the time, not having hell and brimstone preached at you constantly, I mean I would have been elated but I also would have been complacent” says Andrew.
He adds that the struggles he endured were worth it as they made him more determined to succeed. “It made me laser-sharp focused on being successful and finding love and proving them wrong. I was so determined to make a life outside of the brethren. I was so driven, there’s no way I was going to fail”.
Names have been changed for anonymity.
If you or anyone you know has been affected by the topics of this article, you can contact the Samaritans on 116 123 for advice and help.